I hate Hum TV. In fact, even hate is a tepid word. I can’t stand Hum TV. If I become President it’s going to be removed from all cable provider listings and talking about it will be punishable by death. There will be no more Hum TV madness running through our households or polluting the airwaves. If you are a fan of said channel, this post will bother you. And that will actually make me happy.
But I have my reasons for hating it so. I was forced to endure two full days of Hum TV when I stayed over at my Nani’s, who is obsessed with those dramas. Like really truly obsessed. It was hard to get a word in edgewise. And when we did talk it was usually her explaining to me some utterly ridiculous story from some utterly ridiculous Hum TV soap opera.
“Haye ghareeb, she married this boy who was 8, and now he has grown up and he wants to divorce her.”
“Haye ghareeb, he is having an affair with his STUDENT who got serious about him and wants to marry him and yet still calls him Sir, and now her sister is hitting on him too, and he doesn’t know what to do.”
“Haye ghareeb, her mother died and her stepmother is a bitch and her father is a moron and let’s just sit here and watch how miserable her life is.”
“Haye ghareeb, <insert terribly tragic story arc here>”.
For two days.
And so here lies the cause of my hatred. If one were to look for lessons from the channel – which admittedly is tricky business in general as far as Television is concerned – then Hum TV’s underlying lesson for us all is this: life sucks ass. Deal with it.
Nothing good or positive ever happens on that fuckin’ channel. It’s just one sad story after another, one sad face after another, one conniving mother in law and chalaak wife and goofy husband after another, in different studio settings made to look like local homes, all to a soundtrack which sounds like the Grooveshark playlist a serial kitty killer would listen to as he murders kittens.
In two days of watching that nonsense, I only saw one person smile. And that was the generic bitchy mother in law’s Dick Dastardly smile, right before she hatched a scheme to fuck over her daughter in law once again. No one else. There was blanket misery upon every actor.
From an economic perspective, it stands to reason that TV Shows are written and aired based on viewership potential and customer demand. Which implies that this misery is on the menu because it’s what we are asking for. Which speaks volumes of the mentality of the average housewife, which is essentially a trickled-down version of the mentality of the nation.
Also, television programs, particularly soap operas, are meant as an escape from the humdrum of daily living for bored housewives as they go about their domestic days. International soaps therefore involve intriguing social dynamics, extramarital affairs, excessive drama, and attractive actors/actresses to create that very illusion. Which begs the question; exactly what the fuck is Hum TV selling to our poor housewives? That their lives are crap, but they should be glad they don’t have a mother-in-law like that creature on TV? Or a husband like that poker faced douchebag with the hairplugs? That it could always be worse?
Misery should never pass as entertainment. Having to tailor TV shows such that characters are put in absurdly depressing and sad situations just so we can feel better about ourselves, just because we can relate, tells us that things are rather askew in our lives. To be fair, I don’t blame Hum TV for the depression and misery one sees around here, but I’m fairly certain that it augments that depression and misery to some extent, validates it, passes it off as nothing unusual. I need look no further for proof than my Grandma’s furrowed eyebrows and sad face and damp cheeks as she stares into that blaring pit of misery and stupidity and says “Haye ghareeb…”
Please Hum TV. I want my Nani back.