How to be a Conspiracy Theorist

Conspiracy theories are the fuel that keeps this craptrain moving. Everyone has a handful of theories which they carry around to explain the stuff that goes on which they haven’t educated themselves about yet. A farmer in a village theorizing about the landlord stealing his cows is one thing; highly educated Pakistani folk ascribing the floods from 2010 to a giant weather machine – obviously run by the Jews and the Americans – in the Arctic, is another. And this mindset runs rampant. We are a confused, muddled lot, and that quality keeps raising its head each time two of us talk to each other. Instead of a systematic reduction of a bunch of facts in an attempt to find a common truth, we pull out as many theories as we can in record speed, whether real or false, whether based in history or just fuckin made up on the spot, so that the situation gets so confused that you cannot really do anything and just have to live with it. It’s a twisted modus operandi, one which transfers the burden of responsibility from the average citizen to the whim of unseen and often unreal external forces and instead garlands the citizen with the mantle of the innocent victim. In other words, it’s a bitch-ass way of dealing with the world, one which allows all of us to continue sitting around at dhabbas and stuffing pakoras in our faces for hours, discussing how terrible the world is, instead of aspiring to eliminate the n+1 problems which this place carries around like festering maggots.

I’ll stop rambling. If you want to be a conspiracy theorist, these are the steps:

1. Listen to other conspiracy theorists and take notes. You know the type; rabid speech, bulging eyes, jerky flailing of the arms as they explain some obscure incident with a quack made up theory, backed by ‘facts’ which no one can corroborate. These fuckers are everywhere, and all you have to do is sit one down and pretend to listen and the wealth of conspiracy theory knowledge will be accessible to you. The drop in IQ points that you experience is a small price to pay.

2. Always choose the Jason Bourne explanation. A Suzuki Wagon’s front tire explodes on a summer afternoon, causing the driver to lose control and the wagon to crash into a watermelon cart. You see this incident take place. There are two possible explanations that come to mind: the first is that due to the blistering heat and lack of vehicular maintenance the tire popped like a balloon causing the untimely demise of the watermelons. The second explanation is that this was staged and a little charge was planted inside the wheel by RAW agents who snuck into Pakistan at night just to cause a disturbance because see how the wagon is blue and as you know one of the colors on the Indian flag is also blue and furthermore watermelon are green and Pakistan zindabad is green and they just want to cause trouble so they can start war with us and steal our lands but they will fail Inshallah ! Choose the second explanation.

3. Always have relatives who work for the government. In case you meet a rare sceptic who doesn’t buy into the web you weave, you must have a credible source for your ‘information’. Always keep a phuppo’s cousin’s taaya’s beta’s behnoi’s uncle’s son in the ISI or the Federal Government, who told you this piece of groundbreaking conspiracy theory information because he is the next Edward Snowden. Or would have been had he been real.

4. Be the Messiah of your theory. It is your job to spread this knowledge to the masses. There will always be the modren, burger, western naysayers who don’t believe in the Yahoodi saazish which runs the world, but you must argue against their nonsense with your full heart and soul. Remember, any explanation which simplifies is wrong. Proving it wrong is your job, and this can be accomplished with made up facts or fictional people or simple namecalling or whatever else…the theory must be spread!

5. Never back down. There is no way to disprove a conspiracy theory. I mean there is – you could bring facts and figures and analyses, expert opinions and live witness accounts, you could bring all manner of conclusive proof which supports a reality other than that of the conspiracy theorists, but the conspiracy theorist will conveniently dismiss all of that as being a conspiracy theory, and you being a fool to believe what the media tells you. The lesson here is that you must defend your theory to the fuckin’ grave.

And there it is. Get to it folks, after all what else is there to do over here anyway.


3 thoughts on “How to be a Conspiracy Theorist

  1. @Always choose the Jason Bourne explanation: there are actually people out there who believe that nursery rhymes having pigs in them, is a conspiracy against Muslims, concocted by RAW, CIA and MOSSAD. (Somebody actually tweeted this to me)
    Makes me want to pull my hair out!

  2. Lol! If RAW was half as competent as your conspiracy theorists make it out to be, perhaps we wouldn’t have had to endure 26/11 (which of course was orchestrated by Hindu terrorists/CIA/RAW/Jews).

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