How to be a Social Outcast

From personal experience, the following steps, in no particular order, will get you well on your way to social outcastness in Pakistan:

  • Tell the person who can’t stop backbiting or gossiping about someone else to man up and talk to that person face to face rather than bitching to you about it.
  • Tell the person who brings up a conspiracy theory to explain everything you talk about, up to and including the price of mangoes, that he/she is mentally retarded.
  • Tell the older relative who asks you what you have planned in life that you always wanted to get into qawaali. Demonstrate as required.
  • Tell the rishta walas who came over with their son/daughter that you would rather go outside and put your mouth around a car exhaust than continue pretending to be interested in this ridiculous facade for the sole purpose of betrothing Mr. Baldspot or Ms. Bucktooth.
  • Tell the token friend who is always found hanging around with girls in the hopes of having more than frandship that he is no better than a puppy dog.
  • Tell the girl who thinks she’s all that only because she has designer Emprio Gucciani bags that she is not all that at all.
  • Tell the friend who thinks it’s totally okay to take the last fry/samosa/pakora/drumstick/jalebi etc. without bothering to ask anyone else that you spat on it already so he should hand it over.
  • Say yes to the person who through a silly sense of obligation continues to offer you things you don’t want and you know he doesn’t really want to give you. Repeat as necessary; he’ll eventually understand.
  • The next time you and your family are visiting relatives and they do the long goodbye dance where they continue sitting and chatting for an hour after goodbye has officially been said, start rolling around on the carpet and mewling like a cat on heat.
  • The next time you are with your cool friends eating food at a dhaaba and a beggar comes by, offer him/her some.
  • Tell the friend, relative, uncle, aunty, acquaintance, boss, stranger who casually speaks ill about people of other castes, religions, ethnicities, provinces, that he is a racist and a bigot.
  • Tell the person who believes anything bad that happens is a Zionist plot, and anything good that happens is also somehow a Zionist plot, and instead of doing anything about anything we should all just sit around and talk about how it’s all just a Zionist plot, that he’s a fucking loser.
  • Tell the person who asks “aa gaye?” each time he sees you that no, you are actually from the future and due to some complications have come back in time to inform said person that he should not be expecting present you today.
  • Tell the bank teller who acts like he/she is doing you a favor by giving you access to your money that you’ll write them a check for Rs. 5,000 if they offer you better service for the next week. Then don’t.
  • Tell the nosy aunty who can’t stop asking you why you aren’t married yet that you’re afraid you might get married to someone like her, and that keeps stopping you from looking.

Repeat these steps many times and in many different settings and you will be a proud social outcast in no time.

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